The Hipster Glasses Conspiracy

Many things are a mystery for me. Whether I’m watching TV, surfing the internet, or just hanging out with friends, I find myself constantly perplexed. Today’s fashion, music and everything else in our society just boggles my mind. Maybe I’m just out of touch with social norms? Probably – in fact I’m probably the least hip person ever. I still refer to snap backs as “flat-rimmed caps” (which they rightfully SHOULD be called – it only makes sense). A ray band? What in heaven’s name is that? Oakley? Like the Oakland Athletics? Oh my goodness. Maybe I should just stick to Super Nintendo and call it a day.

But the one thing that gets me is those hipster glasses that all those NBA players wear. Not to steal Caleb’s thunder (which was a great read by the way), but I have my own opinion on those crazy abominations. I just can’t believe that people would willingly go out into public wearing them. It just doesn’t add up. That is why I KNOW for a fact that there must be something more to them. They represent something more than a fashion statement. 

After careful research through the Great Archives of History, I have determined that each great organization ever has had a symbol that its members identify themselves with. The World War II Marines all have tattoos. The Masons have those crazy rings that they wear. The list goes on. So, after connecting the dots, it seems that…perhaps these glasses represent a sort of Organization of Great and Important Figures.

The OGIF is very secretive about its actions and members – but they are just beginning to come out of the woodwork. Durant and Westbrook may be the most famous figures of this prestigious club, but there have been many others. They have just been very secretive about it – secretive to the point that nobody knows whom they are or where their Head Quarters is located. But that is about to change.

Here are other members of the OGIF:

Keep in mind that there ARE imposters. They want to be members of this club, but they are not worthy enough. See: LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony.

One thing that is clear, though, is this organization’s leader. The answer is so obvious that nobody could argue otherwise. It is none other than the Manager of the Tampa Bay Rays, Joe Maddon.

The evidence is simply irrefutable. In Tampa Bay, there are no fans – thus making this the perfect location for a secret organization. And why else would Maddon stay in Tampa when he could be making MILLIONS of more dollars and have MILLIONS of more dollars in resources in larger market. This is the only logical explanation. Not to mention that Joe Maddon has been rocking this look for ages – way before everybody else. He is not only the Original Hipster – he is the Almighty Hipster. The glasses Durant and Westbrook have? Clearly forged and created by Maddon using the most rare of materials – only because he deemed them worthy. This proves that they aren’t wearing those glasses to be “hip” – they wear them because they feel honored to be touched by the Hands of Joe Maddon.

The question becomes, what does Joe Maddon hope to accomplish with the OGIF? Who else will be worthy enough to join? And what does he want the members of this organization to accomplish? Is there an even greater conspiracy at work? The biggest question of all becomes, can Joe Maddon handle the power he is accumulating?