10 Things I Learned While on Vacation in Mexico

Well, fellow Geese, I'm back. That's right, this goose flew south for the winter to Cancun, Mexico for a nice Christmas getaway with my family. Here are ten things I learned while on vacation. 




1.) All inclusive vacationing is the shit. That's right Geese, picture this: you show up at this resort. No children (only 16 and older permitted) and the first thing they do is offer you champagne. The entire time you are there, drinks are free, food is free, and there are liquor dispensers in your room that are refilled daily. If you wanted to, you could literally be drunk the entire time you're there, and no one would really question you. Keep all inclusive in your mind when you go on your next vacation - totally worth it. By the way, be jealous. Because that's my resort.

2.) Mexicans are a bunch of alcoholics, and I love it. The first thing the people working at the resort would ask you every morning -  "Mimosa? Champagne? Cerveza (beer)? Margarita?" the list goes on and on! Those people love their alcohol. They serve good quality drinks and they serve them strong. That's what I'm fucking talking about! People always say, "Don't drink the water!" Well I say, why the hell would you if you can drink alcohol the whole time?

3.) Dos XX lives up to the most interesting man. Wasn't the greatest beer I've ever had, but I'll be damned if it wasn't pretty fucking tasty. Not to mention, they served it as their "cheap" beer. They had plenty of other kinds but my go to was the Dos XX with a lime. Pretty baller for a cheap beer, wish I wasn't a broke-ass college kid who can't afford anything more expensive than Miller...because Dos XX would be first on my list.

4.) White bikinis are still see through in Mexico. Never understood why a girl would ever buy a white bikini...I mean, isn't it obvious that once it's wet anyone can see right through it? You've seen those girls at the beaches and pools here in the USA, they get out of the pool and lay out on their chair to listen to Jack Johnson and soak up the sun. Meanwhile, every guy around her is staring right through her sexy two-piece at what lies beneath. Ladies, those bikinis are still see through even when you're in Mexico - I saw a total of 4 different girls "wearing" them, so I suggest you may purchase a different color when you think about your bikini purchase this spring.

5.) It's still weird seeing black people on the beach in Mexico. Don't get me wrong, I love black people. They're awesome and I have no beef with them whatsoever. But, let's be honest, everyone is shocked when they see a black person at the beach. It is just cultural - that's the last person you expect to see there! This doesn't change in Mexico either. When I saw a black family vacationing at our resort, I noticed a few people double-take as they walked toward the sand. Yup, still weird.

6.) It's still not a good look to get so drunk that you have to be wheel-chaired back to your room at 5pm when your'e in your 40's. That's right folks, you read it correctly. This married couple was sitting at the bar and pounding drinks until they got so drunk they had to be rolled away by hotel staff. The woman ended up puking in her lap and purse, and her husband was in such a drunken stuppor that he didn't even bother to react (or lift his head). The people who wheeled them away must have needed to leave them a note so they knew what the hell had happened when they woke up with El Diablo's Hangover the next morning. Oh, did I mention it was Christmas Eve? And here's the kicker, they had two teenage (mildly attractive) daughters with them. Not a good look, mom and dad. Not a good look.

7.) In Mexico, if you're cheating in any game, you simply call it Mexican Rules  (Insert game here). That's right. If you're playing volleyball and want to hit it as many times to yourself as you want? Cool - Mexican Rules Volleyball. Don't want to dribble in a game of basketball? Mexican Rules Basketball. Want to use your hands in a soccer game, but you're not the goalie? They're not gonna stop you, Mexican Rules Soccer. It's a culture that glorifies cheating and turns it into a joke. I guess that's why Mexicans are so easy going. Well, the ones that aren't drug lords...

8.) Playing sports with super-competitive old people is still fun in Mexico. One day we were playing pool volleyball when a bunch of people decide to join in. Among them is this man, must have been in his 70s who was undoubtedly the most competitive one there. He went for the ace on every serve, and hit it right at the worst girl on the other team. Normally, this would be frowned upon, we'd see him as a poor sport. But this guy, he was old! What the hell could we say to him? Not to mention, he was actually quite good at volleyball. My only beef with the old man, he was loud as fuck and really enjoyed screaming in my ear. Come on man, you can do better than that.

9.) Santa Claus doesn't travel by sleigh and reindeer in Mexico. Hell no he does not. In Mexico, Santa's got so much fucking swag that he gets to ride in a god damn helicopter. Yeah, that's right. He fucking went flying over the beach two times on Christmas day waving out the window of a god damn Helicopter. Talk about doing something in fashion. Dude just spent the whole night flying around the whole world delivering toys and shit to billions of people and then is like - "fuck it, I'm vacationing in Mexico. Mrs Claus, where's my Helicopter?" Dude's a fucking pimp. He works one night a year working, and the rest of the time judging everyone in the world. Meanwhile, people love him and worship his day with music, cookies and eggnog. Santa's figured this whole thing out. Swagswag.

10.) Mexicans only care about one of their international players and watch more Premier League Games than News reports. Any station I turned on while watching TV had a commercial or something with Javier Hernandez Balcazar - affectionately known as "Chicharito" which means "little pea". They fucking love this guy. He's on every commercial with loud, heroic music. I don't get it. I mean, I know he's pretty good - he plays for Manchester United, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. He's your most famous athlete? I guess I expected bigger things from a nation that's pretty fucking big where everyone plays the same sport. But hey, god bless the guy. He's all-star status out there. Probably could get mad pussy too, but instead, he settled for dating a smoke. Well played, little pea, well played.